So I recently decided to "edit" my messenger lists and I posted a "REMIND ME OF WHO YOU ARE OR YOU WILL VACATE THE PREMISES" notice long before I started using my delete button. But all the same, before I could get over to my settings, arms were flailing all over the place, hands waving, screaming "Please don't shut the door, I want to be your friend." "Come on, I've been asking you for weeks, I just forgot to turn in a request form." I rolled my eyes, but I said "Look, if its that important to you, ok, but you better have a picture I can look at or the answer is NO". Call me shallow, but I like to put a face to the name.
Now that those few who didn't get the memo have been deleted lets chat about them. Shhhhh, its between us, don't go blabbing about it. First there was the guy from England. Now I'm the first one to defend a Brit, being as I'm one myself, but not even I can stretch the truth to fit this guy. Can we spell PeeWee Herman's House of Perversion? This guy didn't want me to use my daughters picture as my avatar because he thought there were too many wierdos out there that might get the wrong impression. Oh and furthermore he states, "I'm a cop" and so like what are you going to arrest me for child endangerment? Ten minutes later, Mr. Dudley DooRight wants to know if he can do me any favors on his webcam. Are you serious? Yeah, you can do me a favor, Turn the damn thing off and put it back in its box. And if you contact me again, I'll get Uncle Guido to visit you and do a little persuasive surgery on your kneecaps.
Then we've got Mr. Denny's On The First Date. I don't know that much about the protocols of dating, but I would say taking a girl to Denny's on the first date is a HUGE faux paus. Then to add insult to injury, he claims through mouthfuls of biohazard waste that he frequents a very expensive restaurant on a regular basis. (So why are we not there?) His favorite dish he further remarks is the alligator. Curiosity getting the better of me, I inquire as to what alligator might taste like. "Chicken" he exclaims. I'm puzzled. If alligator tastes like chicken, why not just order the chicken? He spit biohazard waste everywhere. Second deletion from my messenger list.
Then our third deletion is Mr. "I Like Pantyhose". He seemed nice enough at first, but as we talked the conversation seemed to continue in only one direction. Pantyhose. No, they weren't for me. It would seem that this poor man spends most of his day on his feet as a waiter. And as a result his legs ache. I can identify with that. I also am on my feet all day. Being the concerned women that they were, his co-workers suggested support hose to this gentleman. That I can't identify with. I simply cannot imagine telling one of my male co-workers that I have brought them a coupon for a dollar off of Sheer Energy. Initially, I thought the guy was putting me on and it was his perverted way of getting around to talking about lingerie or bedroom attire, but no matter what direction the conversation took, the guy interrupted with the same statement, "I like pantyhose."The conversation went something like "Yeah, so I moved back to California after being gone for 3 years and gosh it sure is cold here." "I like pantyhose." I can't wait for the weather to warm up some. I really miss the heat in Phoenix." "I like pantyhose." Not much of a conversationalist. Delete.
Then theres the guy from South Africa who is in love with me, thinks I'm the most beautiful thing he's ever layed his eyes on. Wants to marry immediately and if I say no, will lapse into a state of despondency from which he may never return. Wow, and he got that from only one picture. You know how they say if its not broke don't fix it. Thats not entirely true. If your command of the English language is as broken as his, you probably need to do some repair work. After all communication is everything and I don't talk pigmy. Deletion number four.
Another foreign contact boasts of working for the embassy, raising a child all on his own because his wife died at such a young age, travels extensively, but his darn laptop needs to be replaced and how is my financial standing anyway? If "Woe is Me" were a major concerto the whining of the violin would have been right on the mark. Down by 6.
Finally there was Mr. Either I'm Really Shy or Mr. I'm Limited To A One Word Vocabulary or Mr. My Computer Keyboard Is Stuck On Stupid, because all I got from him was "Hi". I'm working away on my laptop and an Instant Message pops up, "Hi". To which I respond "Hi, how are you?" "Hi" is what I get back. OK. Lets try this from a different angle. "Did you want something?" "Hi". Ok, we'll try it one more time, "What the @##$ do you want?" "Hi". I guess I'm just not up for that stimulating of a conversation. Had to let that one go too.
Other contributing deletion factors were:
1. Lack of communication between the contact and I for over a period of 6 months. Chances are if we haven't talked in that long, we probably never will. And chances are also strong that both parties have absolutely no idea of who the other is, but were afraid to delete them sooner in case there was a sudden rush of memory.
2. We dated once, it was once too many and I'd like to forget it ever happened. The kind of contact that makes you sit perfectly still when you see them come online, because if Jurassic Park taught you anything at all it was that Raptors can't see you if you don't move.
3.Relatives that were added at the insistence of another family member, even though you question the validity of their claim to your inheritance when they are a 12th cousin three times removed. If I take them off my messenger list does that make them a 12th cousin four times removed?
4.Women who met your boyfriend through your contacts and have added them to their list of friends. I'd like to forgive them, but it would go against my church's beliefs. No I don't attend church, but if I did, I know for sure that this would be an unforgivable sin. Death by my hands, I know for certain meets the criteria.
There are other reasons for my having deleted a contact, but I think I've covered the major highlights. I suppose I should feel badly, but I don't. Gosh I hope this doesn't mean a one on one with a priest
My Messenger List
